The open portal loomed in front of me. I couldn’t go through
it; not again. Besides, there were too many choices to decide between before I
could make that jump. I’d have to choose not only the destination but also how
that destination should look, feel, smell, and what I would be once I got there.
Perhaps I could be a bird this time, that might be exciting and yet simple
enough that it all wouldn’t spiral out of control. Or maybe I could be a fish,
fighting my way up stream to finally be with my one true love. Traveling across
the cosmos on a glorified toaster might be an interesting adventure. Truth was
that though I could be any one of an infinite array of interesting life-forms
aboard that ship, or even an inanimate object, but I might not be the person to
make that jump – I’m just too skittish. I just don’t think I’m ready to try.
With so many choices, perhaps it’s better to just avoid the
inevitable failure I’d feel after taking that step. I tried not to look at the
portal. There are more ways to go wrong than there are choices to be made. For
each choice to be made there are uncountable ways to screw it up or reasons for
that choice to fail completely. It would be my world on the other side, and my
fault for it’s failure. What if it all started to unravel again, like the last
one, connections not being tight enough, or with one segment that completely
overpowers all of the other elements. It’s just too un-nerving to see my whole
universe falling apart around me and standing there helpless to do anything
about it.
I couldn’t look at it. It scared me. I still felt the pain
from trying before and failing miserably. At first it had felt amazing, so much
raw power, so many unanswered questions, so many things to create and observe.
But once it had started falling apart and I was caught trying to pull each
thread back together. It overpowered me and I just lay there helpless, not
quite unconscious, but immobile, paralyzed, stunned. It still stung like hot
iron being pressed through my skull down to my heart, shattering it into a
thousand pieces.
Yet, this portal called to me. I could feel it tugging,
trying to pull me in. It kept suggesting new possibilities to me, trying to
convince me that it wouldn’t be too dangerous if I tried just one more time,
something quick and simple. I wouldn’t even have to invite anyone to come with
me this time; maybe that would make me feel safer. Doing it that way, however,
I wouldn’t learn as much.
Fortunately for me, there were plenty of ways for me to
distract myself from looking at that portal. I felt guilty doing them, but I
could rationalize. The easiest way to rationalize was by going through someone else’s
door, down their rabbit hole, trying to learn how they held it all together for
all their visitors that came. Looking around for one of these, I found one that
was perfect for me. In many ways it was a lot like the world I had tried to
create, yet at the same time so vastly different that I could, if I tried hard
enough, forget my world or any others and throw myself into this one
completely. Just sticking my toe in to test the waters, I could feel the rich
vibrations and warm rhythms and tones that I would enjoy.
From there I dove in head first, not even taking a breath,
knowing that I would breathe in heavily all of the rich colors, sights, sounds,
and smells. I intentionally forgot how dangerous this could be. I needed to be
able to avoid thinking, to let someone else do it for me for a while. And from
the moment I was through the first thin page, I no longer struggled to forget
everything else. It was amazing, a euphoria so encompassing that I could feel
it surging through my veins.
I watched, smiling, as my feet started to take root. It was
no longer someone else’s story, someone else’s world, it was mine. I was Kvothe,
the most notorious magician alive, and I was telling my story, or at least so
it felt to me.
I marveled as I continued through all of the passage ways
wondering how each step could taste so richly of the bright colors and vibrant
atmosphere of this strange new world. I started out as a gypsy and then had to
find my way alone on the streets of a dangerous city. But I still made my way
to the University where I would learn dangerous and powerful knowledge. I
laughed to find brilliantly insane characters that brightened the world, and
shone through all of the dark places. I grinned broadly as I was forced to set wit
and strength against advisories that tried to thwart my quest. It wasn’t really
my wit or my strength, but that didn’t bother me. I owned this world now or it
owned me, it didn’t matter, we were one in the same.
I couldn’t get enough. I had become completely addicted. I
breathed in deeper and faster, unaware of how it was changing me. Even if I had
noticed, I would have loved it, having become so deeply apart of the story
unfolding around me. I both loved and fought dragons, winning the hearts of
beautiful women yet stumbling through any courtship. The whole of it all was so
beautifully crafted that I didn’t want it to ever end.
Even as I saw the end coming, I raced toward it, unable to
stop myself even if I had wanted to. I knew the end would come, as it always
must, especially when through someone else’s door. Then as I took one more long
breath and swore with the name of the wind a command so powerful that it shook
the whole earth, it was over. I was ripped from it’s pages and left destitute
without it’s comforting friendship.
Having come out the other side I was left where I had
started. The open portal loomed in front of me, asking me a thousand questions
and thundering for me to come inside. It still scared me, but I was a bit more
brave now – I would have to be. I had hoped that I could borrow some of the
strength that I had found in someone else’s world, but the truth of it is that I’m
at least as much more desperate now as brave.
I always knew I would have to take that step and overcome my
fear. My hands shook as I reached out toward it. My feet felt as heavy as lead
elephants, but they too started to move toward that open gate, the portal to my
own new world. Perhaps I will be bruised again, beaten back and stand here once
again. But for now, at least, I am standing. So I move forward.
