Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Building Courage (a short story)

The open portal loomed in front of me. I couldn’t go through it; not again. Besides, there were too many choices to decide between before I could make that jump. I’d have to choose not only the destination but also how that destination should look, feel, smell, and what I would be once I got there. Perhaps I could be a bird this time, that might be exciting and yet simple enough that it all wouldn’t spiral out of control. Or maybe I could be a fish, fighting my way up stream to finally be with my one true love. Traveling across the cosmos on a glorified toaster might be an interesting adventure. Truth was that though I could be any one of an infinite array of interesting life-forms aboard that ship, or even an inanimate object, but I might not be the person to make that jump – I’m just too skittish. I just don’t think I’m ready to try.

With so many choices, perhaps it’s better to just avoid the inevitable failure I’d feel after taking that step. I tried not to look at the portal. There are more ways to go wrong than there are choices to be made. For each choice to be made there are uncountable ways to screw it up or reasons for that choice to fail completely. It would be my world on the other side, and my fault for it’s failure. What if it all started to unravel again, like the last one, connections not being tight enough, or with one segment that completely overpowers all of the other elements. It’s just too un-nerving to see my whole universe falling apart around me and standing there helpless to do anything about it.
I couldn’t look at it. It scared me. I still felt the pain from trying before and failing miserably. At first it had felt amazing, so much raw power, so many unanswered questions, so many things to create and observe. But once it had started falling apart and I was caught trying to pull each thread back together. It overpowered me and I just lay there helpless, not quite unconscious, but immobile, paralyzed, stunned. It still stung like hot iron being pressed through my skull down to my heart, shattering it into a thousand pieces.

Yet, this portal called to me. I could feel it tugging, trying to pull me in. It kept suggesting new possibilities to me, trying to convince me that it wouldn’t be too dangerous if I tried just one more time, something quick and simple. I wouldn’t even have to invite anyone to come with me this time; maybe that would make me feel safer. Doing it that way, however, I wouldn’t learn as much.
Fortunately for me, there were plenty of ways for me to distract myself from looking at that portal. I felt guilty doing them, but I could rationalize. The easiest way to rationalize was by going through someone else’s door, down their rabbit hole, trying to learn how they held it all together for all their visitors that came. Looking around for one of these, I found one that was perfect for me. In many ways it was a lot like the world I had tried to create, yet at the same time so vastly different that I could, if I tried hard enough, forget my world or any others and throw myself into this one completely. Just sticking my toe in to test the waters, I could feel the rich vibrations and warm rhythms and tones that I would enjoy.

From there I dove in head first, not even taking a breath, knowing that I would breathe in heavily all of the rich colors, sights, sounds, and smells. I intentionally forgot how dangerous this could be. I needed to be able to avoid thinking, to let someone else do it for me for a while. And from the moment I was through the first thin page, I no longer struggled to forget everything else. It was amazing, a euphoria so encompassing that I could feel it surging through my veins.
I watched, smiling, as my feet started to take root. It was no longer someone else’s story, someone else’s world, it was mine. I was Kvothe, the most notorious magician alive, and I was telling my story, or at least so it felt to me.

I marveled as I continued through all of the passage ways wondering how each step could taste so richly of the bright colors and vibrant atmosphere of this strange new world. I started out as a gypsy and then had to find my way alone on the streets of a dangerous city. But I still made my way to the University where I would learn dangerous and powerful knowledge. I laughed to find brilliantly insane characters that brightened the world, and shone through all of the dark places. I grinned broadly as I was forced to set wit and strength against advisories that tried to thwart my quest. It wasn’t really my wit or my strength, but that didn’t bother me. I owned this world now or it owned me, it didn’t matter, we were one in the same.

I couldn’t get enough. I had become completely addicted. I breathed in deeper and faster, unaware of how it was changing me. Even if I had noticed, I would have loved it, having become so deeply apart of the story unfolding around me. I both loved and fought dragons, winning the hearts of beautiful women yet stumbling through any courtship. The whole of it all was so beautifully crafted that I didn’t want it to ever end.

Even as I saw the end coming, I raced toward it, unable to stop myself even if I had wanted to. I knew the end would come, as it always must, especially when through someone else’s door. Then as I took one more long breath and swore with the name of the wind a command so powerful that it shook the whole earth, it was over. I was ripped from it’s pages and left destitute without it’s comforting friendship.

Having come out the other side I was left where I had started. The open portal loomed in front of me, asking me a thousand questions and thundering for me to come inside. It still scared me, but I was a bit more brave now – I would have to be. I had hoped that I could borrow some of the strength that I had found in someone else’s world, but the truth of it is that I’m at least as much more desperate now as brave.


I always knew I would have to take that step and overcome my fear. My hands shook as I reached out toward it. My feet felt as heavy as lead elephants, but they too started to move toward that open gate, the portal to my own new world. Perhaps I will be bruised again, beaten back and stand here once again. But for now, at least, I am standing. So I move forward.