Putting yourself out there...

"How bad could it be?" I asked myself, as I decided to write my first novel.

Little did I know how bad failing could be, especially with a world wide audience. I recently looked up the "worst" books sold by Amazon. The Shadow God by Aaron Rayburn is one that has become notoriously famous with 20 single star reviews and each of the five star reviews dripping with the most cruel sarcasm I could imagine. As I read through the reviews I couldn't help but feel for poor Aaron Rayburn, who dared to dream far bigger than he was capable of flying and fell flat on his face for all the world to laugh at. And while C. Dennis Moore's books have done slightly better, nothing he's done has received as much acclaim and notice as his crucifixion of Mr. Rayburn.

On the other hand there is also Essentials of the Internet which is currently ranked #9,867,298 on Amazon, which is as far as the numbers go currently, I think.

It's a cruel world out there. It's difficult to gather enough courage to possibly be mocked by 75,000,000 people like Rebecca Black for her Friday song. (Perhaps not all of those people think of her song as a fun way to torture others, but a lot of the reviews suggested that might be case.)

I can now understand a little better why most people don't publish books, write songs, paint, or publish their own creative works, whatever they may be.

I recently heard a quote about faith. It compared faith to that courage of a baby bird who jumps from the safety of the nest not knowing beforehand how to fly.

I love and admire the courage of those people who dare not only to dream big but to chase those dreams that are far bigger than they have the ability to reach.

I'm glad that my friends haven't tried too hard to save me from myself (as Mr. Moore might have been trying to do for Mr. Rayburn). I haven't hit the ground yet, though I may have hit a couple of the branches on the way down. I don't know if I'd have the courage or strength to climb back up the tree to try again if I ever got to that point. As it is, it's easy to start doubting. It's easier to be done and say, "I've given it a go, and now I can move on." But I want to help champion those dreamers, who against all odds still tried. I want to carry that torch, daring the world to laugh at how reckless and foolish I am.

Maybe it's good that I have an extra thick ego, or naivety, to help protect me from "reality." Because someday I'd like to grow up to be more like Robby Novak, who might not have as many views as Rebecca Black, but who in spite of having brittle bone disease still knows how to dance and help others to smile.

May we all learn how to dream a little bigger and accomplish a little more.

The Love Conspiracy

You knew I would eventually get to this, it's too big a conspiracy to pass up, and with it being Valentine's Day....

I know that in true Illuminati and conspiracy fashion I should start by pointing to archaic history of the word to help motivate you to realize the magnitude of this conspiracy, but I think this conspiracy has touched everyone so deeply that no introductory words are necessary. Though you may wonder which of all of the myriad of love conspiracies I have chosen to talk about.

As a still aspiring author, with one book published, I think it important to start by pointing out how frequently ill-defined the word "love" is: "an intense feeling of deep affection," "a quality or feeling of strong or constant affection for...," "warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion," etc. Most definitions focus on a bio-chemical reaction stimulated by glands in the body that generate a feeling of pleasure. I'm pretty sure that there are drugs out there that you could find that would simulate even the most intense of these types of euphoria, though I wouldn’t prescribe them.

I don't mean to discount that elation of looking into someone's eyes and seeing an eternity of beauty, grace, and perfection. After years of living together, raising children, and sharing dreams with all of the inevitable arguments that have come and gone, it is amazing to still be able to hold that one companion who has remained undaunted through it all and still see all the reasons I'd go through every bit of it again just to spend that time together.

And the pride that swells in my heart as I look at my teenage son, as he finishes high school and prepares to go out into the world, fills me with such gratitude to have been a small part of his accomplishments. The cascade of neuro-feedback proves that I was genetically programmed to live for these kinds of successes in life. It's understandable that love might be described in terms of deep emotion.

With the younger children it's even easier to be filled with excitement and joy just seeing them have fun and laugh. So why would I focus on the error in terminology when I clearly feel the tremendous pull of sentiment just thinking about each of my family members?

It's because I've a failed, more than I'd like to admit. I'm fairly good with failure and try to learn as much as I can from it. I'm even sometimes good at learning from other peoples failures and successes. But the terminology currently used for love makes it too easy to shift the blame.

Now for the esoteric references. Joseph Smith once talked about how one can become great, he said, "Elevate, benefit, and bless others first.  If you will elevate others, the very work itself will exalt you.  Upon no other plan can a man justly and permanently aggrandize himself."

This means that any efforts I take to make something of myself that aren't focused on how I can help others ends up as foolishness. Or put more poetically, "Love is the only true success."

When one further looks at one of his successor's words, these given by Pres. David O. McKay, "No Other Success Can Compensate for Failure in the Home." One can see how love is clearly the key, but only when one has the correct understanding of what that love is.

I might feel an bio-chemical high because of the success I see at work or some place. And that feeling of elation might, according to popular consensus, be defined as "love." But if I don't have a correct understanding of love I might end up putting more time and energy where I feel like I'm getting more in return, and miss out on so much more. It is amazing the kinds of rewards that come from families, but most of these come with their fair share of pain as well.

There have been too many times that I've failed as a husband or father. Love, in the context mentioned above, isn't always convenient and sometimes not even pleasant. There is a good reason that it is frequently connected to sacrifice. Sleepless nights, arguments over rules, worries about finances and futures..., I wish I was better at always looking first for ways that I could help. I know how painful it is growing up, even as a dad. And sometimes I've wanted something in return for all of that effort. But I've come to realize now that with love, if I'm looking for something in return, or it's diminished because of unmet expectations, then I'm not doing it right.

I'm sorry for all of the times I've gotten upset over a bad grade or what ever perceived failure I saw in one family member or another. I can see now how much better it would have been to have been more supportive and understanding. I wish I had done more to help them rise above the disappointment than feel the extra burden of discouragement.

I'm sorry for all of the times that I gave up on trying to encourage something different because I got tired of the resistance I felt. I wish I hadn't been so selfish with my time that I justified my actions by focusing on my own personal improvement, just hoping that they would see what I was trying to suggest.

I'm sorry for being lazy, or rude, or for not listening more attentively.

I'm sorry that during those times when I was trying to become better at exercise, or learning, or such that I missed opportunities to become better at love.

There may be other conspiracies (of which YouTube might play a role) that are currently keep us apart (and do I love my day job), but I look forward to the day when I can spend more time together again with my family (and even live in the same state). And one of these days I hope I can become an expert of this, the most important trait of all -- love.

Be Awesome.

In my next book in the series I have one of my characters telling Sarah something like, "Of course the whole universe is conspired against you, it was designed to test you to the core to see what you are made of. While others may try to hide from this testing, you must embrace it and let it stretch you in ways you didn't know you could grow."

It certainly feels like whole universe is conspired against me at times, or at least the English language. I tried to think of a conspiracy between Noah Webster and Mark Twain that would explain why English is so complicated for me, but Webster studied 26 languages in an effort to make American English more uniform and straight forward. That was a lot of effort to try to better teach American children how to read and write.

However, with my novel and the roughly 650,000 symbols (letters, numbers, punctuation, etc.) needed, even if I got 99.9% of all of those symbols correct that would still leave 650 errors. I now understand much better why so many books still contain errors even when the publishers have a team of editors to help clean them up, let alone indi' authors who are doing it all on their own. It only makes maters worse that when I try and read through and correct mistakes that my brain is able to easily compensate for me and make it look as if those mistakes weren't there. It takes a great deal of attention to details to find all of the errors, and with a lot of creating you have to ignore most of the details in order even get started (otherwise you get too bogged down with all of the minutia) so it's hard to do both.

The universe is definitely causing me to stretch in ways I didn't know I'd grow and, in fact, in ways I didn't actually want to grow. But I am grateful for the growth.

I'm also grateful to Kenda, who recently provided me with a number of edits that I think will clean up most of my errors. I feel like I'm perhaps 99.999% of the way there (unfortunately that might still leave about 6 errors). I think that this might be more comparable to a traditionally published book. I'm not satisfied, I'd like to have it perfect, but I am happy that it is getting closer. And I think that the more people that I can get to read it, the better it can become.

This means that there might be a number of "collector's editions" that are printed along the way. As more people buy my book, I'm hoping to be able to buy back as many of those collector's editions as I can and burn them. Mostly because every time I see all of the mistakes that I've made, I'd much rather hide them than be reminded that they're out there. Unfortunately for me this may increase their value, as hopefully they become more and more rare. So I am hoping that with your help we can make their value skyrocket.

While I do like my day job a great deal, I did have fun making these videos in order to help promote my book (Help reunite me with my family! and Keep it secret). They seemed like they would have a "youtube" sharable nature to them. But they are definitely promotional videos, and I'd much rather be awesome like the Kid President, Robby Novak, than just go viral.

Unfortunately Amazon is also conspired against me in that, if you already have my book on Kindle it's hard to get the updates so that you can see if it's good enough now to share. The only way I know how to do it is with Amazon's "contact us," by selecting Kindle eBook and asking them to send the updates. But hopefully if you're able to do that you'll see that not only have I cleaned it up a good deal more, the links to the chapters are also fixed.

I know it's a bit of a pain, and I wish I was just perfect the first time so you wouldn't need to go through the extra work. But I do thank you for all of your help. And if you'd rather not go to all that trouble, to help me be awesome, that's ok. I might need a lot of help. I'll still consider you awesome either way.

They're out there, I tell you!

I've studied physics, learned several languages, ran marathons, and written a novel. And while I can easily say that I did better than average at everything I've done, it's mostly because most people (Americans at least) don't do those those things. Among people that study and have studied physics, I'm afraid that I look rather pathetic, I can no longer remember way to much of it. Among those that learn languages, I mostly just talk to myself (who I can usually understand). Among those that run marathons, my times still haven't even come close to qualifying for Boston. I have been searching my whole life (so far) trying to figure out what success really means. I know I'm pretty darn amazing, I just haven't figured out where yet.

As I've taken up writing, I think I've realized that most of have trouble being amazing. I think most of us usually fail and many don't even realize it (or try and hide it). I think there is far too many people who don't realize that they are amazing, and far too many others who like to brag about what they think is amazing about them, which really isn't. I like to blame the Illuminati for this, mostly because it's fun.

Imagine what it would be like if someone from the Illuminati wanted to sell you hair gel. They would obviously want you to believe that your appearance, and your hair in particular, was the most important thing about you. What if someone from the Illuminati wanted to sell you a gym membership? I think I can almost convince you that this is they way things are already done. It might get scary if I tried too hard to convince you.

So what can one do when the Illuminati have infiltrated so deeply into our society that even our politicians are conspiring against us?

I'm glad you asked, because I have something I want to sell you :).

But seriously, whether or not you've read my book, I'd love to hear from you. I'd love to hear you have fun with this idea and play with it. Knowing that you were destined for greatness, tell me how you've been thwarted by this evil Illuminati? And if you like, tell me how you think we can end this awful tyranny?

The Golden Why

Simon Sinek, in early 2014, gave a great Ted talk on how great leaders inspire action. In that talk he tried to convince me that people would be more likely to buy my book if they knew why I was passionate about it. I think he comes close to understanding greatness without quite making it there.

I think people are more inspired by how much one listens than how much drive they have. However to find someone who is completely driven by their love for you is overwhelmingly compelling. (I think I need to stop here and define love, because sometimes people driven by what they call love are actually creepy.) By love I mean an ability to empathize, understand, and know even more than the person being loved can adequately express, and a commitment to provide what is needed.

For those that see this in Jesus Christ, He becomes the ultimate example. For me, I saw it my Father. I also see it in my Mother. When we see how much our parents love us and want us to succeed, sacrificing everything they can to help us--what more compelling persuasion can there be. So while a "why" might be compelling in helping others to see my dream, it is "The Why" that I really need to be great. Love really is the key.  Because where you see that Why is where you identify with great leaders: Lincoln, George Washington, Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, ... . And if you don't see their love you don't see them as great leaders but rather as great deceivers (perhaps mentioning Hitler here is appropriate).

So what does my being an author have to do with love? Everything. Art is love. That is why I fell so completely in love with writing. I started writing because I knew how bad I was at writing, or communicating in general. I have loved getting to understand people better: how to use words to better communicate with others and understand those words used by others. Once I better understood that it was the for the people I love that I learn words, I realized how amazing words can be. Grammar as well is amazing (though I think I've demonstrated how difficult that can be, and is for me to get that perfect).

I've wondered, sometimes, how much I need to demonstrate ability to convince potential readers to buy my books. But I don't think that is as important (unfortunately that might be reflected in my book -- some of the comments I've gotten back suggest that). I'm hoping, however, that I can find readers that are invested in me -- perhaps those that can see value in my current weakness. Because I can correct almost any error with relative ease (compared to having gone through a traditional publisher) the errors you help me correct make the books you've bought more valuable because of the limited number of those (at least up until I sell millions).

So this is my marketing strategy. If it has any problems, I hope you tell me (or leave me comfortable in my ignorance). Here I am, a man, desperately trying to become like the gods, or even like God.  For some reason I think publishing a book will help me with that. I've also thought that of running marathons or learning quantum physics. But with this, it's at least easier to see the connection it has to Love which is the most godlike of all characteristics in any being that I'd call God (which is probably why I don't worship any of the ancient Greek gods).

So hopefully with this promotional speech I can convince you to join me in my conspiracy to become Great.

Dad, my favorite Don Quijote

My Dad shaped so much of my life, he was my greatest living hero.

We knew he was dying months before he died and I was supposed to write something like this before he died so that he could read it himself. I couldn't bring myself to write it then. I don't know that I will ever be good enough at writing to capture how much he means to me. And I think he knew better than I could ever express how I feel about him. But I think I need to do this for me and those that want to understand me better.

I didn't (and don't) feel sorrow for losing him. That's not an emotion that I feel very much. Perhaps that's sociopathic of me. But I do get teary eyed when I think about how much he means to me and how grateful I am that he is, and always will be, such a big part of my life.

He was such Don Quijote, chasing wild dreams that perhaps could never possibly be realized. He love reading about great people from history. While reading about Benjamin Franklin and a large compilation of Franklin's own writings he discovered that Benjamin Franklin wanted to write a book called, "The Art of Virtue." He loved how Franklin had captured such essential ideas on how one needs to frame their thinking to avoid self-deception and to open one's mind to think more clearly and more productively. My dad did an amazing job of capturing these ideas in The Art of Virtue. But it is by no means an easy book to read. It's packed with ideas that might seem easy on the surface but that can take life times to master.

As my dad looked at these virtues of early American founding fathers and compared their examples to many of the problems we face today in America, he discovered what he called the "Missing Piece of Education." He worried that the education system of today isn't designed to create the kind of greatness that could be found in Benjamin Franklin, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, or other great leaders of the past.

He died virtually unknown to the world, while being the most amazing champion of greatness that I have ever known. I can only image what it must have felt like for him, to have fought his whole life for something like these ideals and never feel like he really got anywhere with them.

I think that if you look at each of his children you can see how each of us imperfectly try to live up to these ideals of greatness.

Right before he died he wrote a wonderful review for my book publicly, but privately told me how he didn't like my book. He didn't like how flashy I made greatness look. Greatness, he told me is so much more subtle. It's found in the people that are often passed over and over looked. It's the kind of story that isn't exciting -- it's the mom that's lovingly taking care of three kids who are all screaming at the same time, or the dad that's struggling to make ends meet, or the son that's trying to fit in at school. ... It's found in so many places that aren't glamorous or even fun. It was and is my dad.

O the critic

I've finally gotten my first customer reviews. There's something about the positive feedback that's so totally intoxicating. The first was from my dad, which means something to me. But with all of them, whether posted or not, I love hearing good reviews. I love how it helps me to quiet the inner critic in me that keeps telling me that I'm not good enough, that I have too much to learn, that I'll never make it. I know that when I read reviews of other books where readers seem to resonate with the author I tend to get more out of reading those books. It helps me to see what they enjoyed and got out of it. I know that it takes a fair amount of effort to write a review so I extremely thankful to those that have done that for me.

I'm also excited about receiving the more critical responses, that help keep me more grounded and guide me to know what it is that I need to work on so that I can reach my goals. I know that I have a lot still to learn about writing, so I'm glad to get a better idea on where to focus my efforts in improving.

One of the reasons that I love the title, "Discipulus Secretus," is because it forces this book to be more hidden, more of a discovery. It also tends to put readers into more of defensive position so that their not as likely to wonder into it unprepared. I don't want people to be disappointed once they pick up this book. I know it's bound to happen. I don't know of an author that has had universal and unanimous love by all readers. But it's still sad to find out that someone didn't like it for what ever reason.

I know that most readers come to a book rooting for the author's success. There might be some that look instinctively for all of the flaws, but I think on the whole they come hoping for the best. So when that trust is broken, it's heart breaking for me as an author. Yet, I'm glad to hear what they have to say, so that I can get better. I'm glad to find the most important ways in which I can improve as an author. The fact that it also warns other potential readers is a mixed blessing because I don't want others to come and be disappointed by what they find. If I could learn to write in such a way that everyone could universally love my writing that, of course, would be ideal. And I don't mind as much living in a fantasy world (believing that this is possible) because, hey, I'm an author and fictional worlds are what I love to live in.